Yep, there it was. The beginning of the end. He could see it now, these things never got better, they just spiralled out of hand until they blew up in his face. And he'd end up the one hurt. Like every other meaningful relationship he'd ever had, this was how it started and ended. Every time. He swore after Jim Gordon that he'd never be such a grovelling, snivelling little idiot again over love and yet, he wanted to be strong and be the one in control to stomp down this relationship before Edward did it, to win for once, but he just couldn't. He loved him. "My apologises." What else could he say? He crossed his arms to make a point that he was definitely not touching again.
It was ridiculous, he knew that, but he honestly wasn't sure if he could actually get enough air, even though he was most definitely breathing. He was drowning in open air and he knew that Oswald was hurt in a way he couldn't protect him from, because he was the one doing it. He didn't want to see the pain on his face. Not when he couldn't be the one to fix it. "I believe it would be best if I stayed at my place."
"Oh. Yes, of course, if that's what you feel is best." Polite, even in the face of crushing rejection he didn't want. He looked down at his socks and tried not to get too upset, it wasn't the end just yet. He still had time. Time to be with him, to enjoy his company, to not entirely be alone. "You don't have to though, if you don't want to." Pathetic. He was pathetic. He was doing it already, he was rushing to make up for a mistake he didn't make, wanting so desperately to fix this when he knew it was going to break. He hated himself a lot. "I don't want to part on a bad note but I can't stop you from going."
Great. Just great. Edward felt the heat rise to his face as he had to bend to pick up his now crumpled shirt, just to put it back on. Where was his composure? Where was his calculation. He knew that this was a trap, that she was a trap, that none of it was real and that his behaviour was threatening the one real bond he had.
"What leads without reason, breaks out without warning, makes some men stumble and lets others fly?" Riddling. Sure, that would appease Oswald.
Great. A riddle. Just what he needed on top of all the heart ache and confusion, all the messy emotions neither of them wanted to feel and he had no idea. Usually he tried, he put in the effort and more often than not, he'd solve them. Maybe that was why Edward liked him around? He wasn't a complete idiot. Right now, he wished he could solve it but he didn't have the drive, he just felt so done. "I'm sorry, I don't ... I can't think. Tell me?"
"Emotions." Edward finally turned around again, running a hand through his hair and making it uncharacteristically messy. "I know, Oswald. I know and I'm handling it. I know that it's a trap and I'm not going to be played. My mind is focused."
He lowered his hand, closing it to a fist slowly. He remembered her so vividly now, all the details he had pushed away. Her scent, how she felt, what it was like to hold her, the slender neck within his grasp. "Emotions, they are harder to control."
"I know, friend. I know. They're not easy. And seeing someone come back from the dead isn't easy either. I'm sorry I pushed." He wished he could do something to help but he sensed that it was going to be harder than that, this was not only his first sentimental experience but the murder that defined him. The one he held onto, the one that made him. And she came back, she looked like her and smiled like her. Stole his heart once more. It hurt but what was he going to do?
This was still the best he could have ever hoped for. "Do you want to talk about it?" It was worth a shot anyway. "I know I can't help you but I can listen."
"She's so beautiful. Do you know what it's like when someone smiles and the whole world lights up?" This was already going badly and he knew it. Edward shook his head. "Look, Oswald, this isn't really me, this is... Just the part of me that thought this is what I want. Someone sweet, something wholesome, the way I'd never had."
He didn't know how to talk about this and he knew he probably shouldn't. "I've never known it. Love. I don't think I understand it, even now. But Miss Kringle... She made me want it for the first time ever. Now, you?" He looked at him finally, taking a step closer. "My wonderful, dear friend, my lover, you're giving it. I am entirely unworthy and undeserving and I still don't understand."
"It's okay, I know well enough by now that you loved her. It would be foolish if we pretended otherwise." He loved her, of course he did. Kristin was not something he could ignore, no matter how much he seriously wanted to. No matter how much he hated her and her stupid light up smile. He wished he could personally be the one to end her this time. Hell, he was on the verge of hiring someone to do it already. "That part of you is still there, it'll always be there. It's part of you. I can live with that, though I don't think I could give you anything wholesome or sweet."
He shrugged, it wasn't really his area. He liked what they had and it was not either of those two things. Not really. "Come, Edward, don't be like that. You deserve to be loved and I can offer it, it only makes sense that we have what we have." Whatever they had. He wasn't sure now, doubt was starting to creep in. Ugly, horrible doubt. "It works for us. It may not be perfect but I like it."
In the end, Edward sat down by the bed, pulling his legs up and slouching in a truly uncharacteristic way. He lowered his head and pushed his glasses up so he could rub at his eyes, confirming his suspicions that, yes, he was crying. He was crying and he had no idea why. He hated this. Weakness. Weakness all over again.
Oh. Oh no, not that. He was so bad at this. He hesitated for a while, afraid of being pushed away again or hurt but in the end, he had to held. He knew he did. So he did all he could think of in that moment. He reached out and moved in closer so he could pull Edward into a hold, an almost hug, gripping him tight so he couldn't easily get away. "It's going to be okay." And with that, he stroked his back slowly and started to hum. His mother always did this when he was sad, perhaps it would work for Edward.
Edward giggled, because what else did he even do in this situation? He should have left or he should leave now. He had failed Oswald tonight, he knew that. It was difficult to compose himself, but somehow he finally managed, looking at Oswald and struggling to find words. "What am I?"
What was he? Good question. So many things. "Brilliant. Calculating. Clever. No, no, that's an underwhelming word to describe it. Pure genius. Handsome. Dashing handsome. The most handsome man alive. Entirely in control too. Cunning, devious, deadly. You're the Riddler." Oswald laughed too because yes, this was all a little messy and neither of them was any good at it but at least they still had something together. "You're Edward Nygma. And I love you."
"Thank you." Did it help to hear it? Perhaps he did, because right now he didn't feel like any of these things. However, if Oswald thought he was, maybe he was right. Edward smiled at him tentatively and then finally kissed him, just a short peck on the lips that tasted of his tears. "I may never understand love, my dear friend. My Oswald. But I know that I have never felt this strongly about anyone. As strongly as I feel about you, my love."
"I understand. It's okay, Edward. I don't expect any different." With a smile, he leaned forward and rested his forehead against Edward's, raising his hand to idly stroke his hair. "We'll muddle through this challenge together. We're smart guys, we can do this. We can't let some girl break us apart. Especially not when that is exactly what someone might want from you."
"I have to keep playing this. I... She still makes me weak. I know it's not her, but she still does, whereas you've only ever strengthened me." Why were they doing this to him? And who was? His mind was trying to work it out, but there simply weren't enough clues, not enough of a connection. "Of course they want me to stumble. It's a better move, at this junction, than killing me would be, for anyone who is after you. If somebody killed me, no one would get out of it alive, would they?"
"If you died, I'd destroy this town. There would be no mercy, I would end anyone in my way. You, Edward, are all that matters. If someone hurt you, I would -- well, you know what I would do." He was so passionate as he spoke, so sure of himself. He knew what he'd do, he had no doubts. He would end anyone who harmed Edward. He loved him so much, he couldn't even imagine not having him. "We'll get through this together. Me and you. We'll work out what her game is. I promise."
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"What leads without reason, breaks out without warning, makes some men stumble and lets others fly?" Riddling. Sure, that would appease Oswald.
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He lowered his hand, closing it to a fist slowly. He remembered her so vividly now, all the details he had pushed away. Her scent, how she felt, what it was like to hold her, the slender neck within his grasp. "Emotions, they are harder to control."
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This was still the best he could have ever hoped for. "Do you want to talk about it?" It was worth a shot anyway. "I know I can't help you but I can listen."
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He didn't know how to talk about this and he knew he probably shouldn't. "I've never known it. Love. I don't think I understand it, even now. But Miss Kringle... She made me want it for the first time ever. Now, you?" He looked at him finally, taking a step closer. "My wonderful, dear friend, my lover, you're giving it. I am entirely unworthy and undeserving and I still don't understand."
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He shrugged, it wasn't really his area. He liked what they had and it was not either of those two things. Not really. "Come, Edward, don't be like that. You deserve to be loved and I can offer it, it only makes sense that we have what we have." Whatever they had. He wasn't sure now, doubt was starting to creep in. Ugly, horrible doubt. "It works for us. It may not be perfect but I like it."
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