yet you cannot live without me

[riddleman]

Assorted Threads.

Comments

[riddleman]

Yes. Sure.

Let me make this easier for you by prefacing it with informing you that I am already mad, just as a precaution.

Now tell me how you "helped" me.

[beaky]

How are you already mad? You don't know what happened.

I simply got rid of that Carlotta girl who was giving you so much trouble.

[riddleman]

WHY?! How was she giving me trouble?

[beaky]

You seemed troubled by her and she was always in the way.

Now she's not.

You're welcome :D

[riddleman]

Yeah, I'm mad.

[beaky]

Why?

What did I do wrong now? Is it because I killed her without you?

[riddleman]

It's because you think you have to "protect" me from any woman that so much as stands near me, because you're insecure, jealous and express yourself badly.

I'm pansexual, for the record, you have so many more people to kill.

[beaky]

No! She was harassing you. She kept turning up with coffee and food for you!

...You're into pans?

[riddleman]

I happen to like coffee. And food. Also, she was my secretary, that was in her fucking job description, you jealous manchild.

pansexual: not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.

[beaky]

No, secretaries just do filing and answering phones and stuff. She was SEDUCING you. With coffee and muffins.

Oh. Okay. Wait.

Why do you even still like girls? I mean. Ew.

[riddleman]

I sent her OUT to bring me coffee and muffins. How will I get coffee and muffins now?

Because I care about people's minds, their selves, and then I find myself attracted to them. Not sure what it is in your case right now. What's your deal, scared of girl cooties?

[beaky]

Oh. My mistake. It's okay though, I hired you someone new. His name his flint, he has sixty years of office experience and with his new hip, he can get across town to pick up your daily snacks in no time at all.

No, I like women too. They're very beautiful. With their lips. And breasts. And I'm very into it. Shut up.

[riddleman]

Oh, excellent. Nothing turns me on like a fake hip, they really know how to get things moving.

Yeah? I can get you a woman, Mr Cobblepot, no trouble at all. Then you can caress her breasts.

[beaky]

You're being very childish right now.

I want you, no one else. I'm in no rush to caress anyone but you.

[riddleman]

I simply fight fire with fire.

Apparently you don't trust me to be faithful, so why should I bother?

[beaky]

Flint is married. So HA!

What? No! I do! I was just protecting you from her female ways.

[riddleman]

So? Threesomes with elderly couples, what a wild ride.

I happen to enjoy female ways.

[beaky]

They're in their eighties!

Well, I want to keep you safe. And women are dangerous, Edward.

[riddleman]

Yum.

You are getting on my nerves, Oswald.

[beaky]

Why?

I did nothing wrong!

[riddleman]

Fine, be that way.

I'll be home let, just fyi.

[beaky]

You're mad at me.

Why? What do you want from me?

[riddleman]

Nothing.

I'm just having coffee, since no one brought me any.

[beaky]

I can bring you some in future if you like. And a muffin.

You don't need her.

[riddleman]

Well. She's dead, so unless some court of whatever bird is in this season or whoever is currently mucking underneath Arkham would be kind enough to get her back in some fashion, I'm shit out of luck anyway.